During pregnancy, I felt so connected to myself, my body, and to Spirit; I actually loved being pregnant. The bar was set high for my next stage of motherhood. I thought, “If I feel this good on the inside now, what type of motherhood nirvana is on its way for me once my baby is here on the outside?”

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Then, the birth day arrived, and it was like nothing I had prepared for. Yes, there was pain, relief, and joy. But after the first couple weeks, once we had tackled jaundice and gotten the hang of breastfeeding, the joy of being a new mother became harder and harder to force. My husband returned to work, the meals from friends stopped, and I was left alone with myself and a tiny stranger.

 

I felt frantic and numb at the same time. I didn’t recognize myself or this new little person that I was supposed to naturally love and know how to nurture. I had wanted this child so deeply, but now all I felt was disconnected. I felt guilty for hating how motherhood made me feel and how my life had changed.

 

Does my story sound familiar? You are not alone.

 

In fact, it is estimated that 50% to 80% of all mothers experience "baby blues" after birth¹. For most women, the postpartum blues are temporary—it's usually gone within a few days to a few weeks after childbirth. But research has shown that Perinatal Depression affects 1 in 7 Women. It’s estimated that 14%-23% of pregnant women experience depression during pregnancy, and up to 25% experience depression postpartum².

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Exhaustion and depression don't always have a voice. I know from my own experience, and from listening to hundreds of fellow mothers reflect on their struggles during postpartum, that more often PPD is a silent illness. Many mothers get through the shadows of the fourth trimester merely surviving. They settle for the time to pass as quickly as possible, not being able to honor the magic and beauty of this memorable transition.

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I didn’t have the knowledge, language, or confidence to seek out the support + tools I really needed to thrive with my new baby. I just got by—surviving.

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The Light

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When Human Design came into my life it was a literal lightbulb moment. All of the darkness made sense, in ways even beyond motherhood. I learned that the shadows I faced after pregnancy were not something to be rid of, but something to equip myself to experience and move through with ease and abundance.

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Now I know that much of my negative experience was caused by my mothering blind spots. I *thought* I was prepared. But I brought unseen lifelong conditioning into motherhood with me —energy that did not belong to me. Being unaware of my design and my baby’s design, specifically my wide split definition, brought a fog to my journey that I didn’t prepare for.

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These truths could have set me free instead of limiting me. I could have been supported to trust my own strength + wisdom instead of comparing myself with others. I did not have to consider my natural inconsistent energy as a liability or weakness. And that is why I created Crown of Light.